Adoptions With Love withheld from me the truth regarding the long term risks and ramifications of physiological disabilities that occur when I relinquished my baby to adoption at their agency. They also helped me deny my child's father his parental rights by informing me how to lied on the legal birth certificate. Newton, Massachusetts
In 1987, I contacted Adoptions with Love to inquire about the possibility of relinquishing my child to adoption. I was 19, in a complete state of panic and was not receiving support from my family who were of the mindset that a baby would ruin my life.
While at the time, I felt that they were most supportive and caring regarding my son's birth and adoption, in hindsight, and with much research, I have found that they were really preying upon my emotional vulnerability and withheld proven scientific research regarding the long term consequences of infant relinquishment. I was surrounded by happy stories and information about the wonderful joys that surrendering my child would bring to the perspective adoptive family. I was told that only the very strong and selfless could make a true sacrifice of themselves though adoption which greatly appealed to my desire to right the wrong.
Not one time was I offered the true scientific facts that were published during that time which completely contradicted the happy selfless story they told. Relinquishing Mothers in Adoption: their long term adjustment by Robin Winkler and Margaret van Keppel was published in 1984 and clearly states that mothers who relinquish their children suffer long term life altering affects steming from the adoption experience. In fact, they report that the grief created by the adoption relinquishment was often seemed worse than a death of a child and actually increased in feeling over time. Adoptions with Love assured me that over time, I would feel at peace, content and continually proud of my loss. I find it impossible to believe that a highly progressive and professional agency was unaware of the truth that had been all a buzz for over three years. What's more, this is only one research study out of many with the same conclusion.
Adoptions with Love also assisted me in completely denying my son's father rights to even know his only child was about to be born and relinquished without his knowledge or permission. While I was afraid and embarrassed and desiring to avoid conflict, I had no right to let fear guide me or to even make that ethical choice. As professionals in both the legal and emotional guidance, I trusted them to inform me as to what was the right was of conducting this relinquishment. I was told, point blank, that if I did not wish to tell him then all I had to do was lie on the birth certificate and not list his name on the legal documentation. This was supposed to be OK but instead lead to over 20 years of heavy guilt for denying a man his parental right to his ONLY child. No one had the right to take the choice away from him. He should have had the right to raise his only son should he have chosen to. Just becasue a practice is legal, does not make it right nor ethical nor in the best interest in those you are pretending to serve.
My belief is that Adoptions with Love were all too happy to make my child's father go away as he was a adult old lawyer with his own firm in NYC and could have, most easily, supported his son and would never have given permission to the surrender. Informing this man of his rights would have eliminated the 20 to 30 thousand dollars in fees' that the agency received from my son's adoptive parents.
I was lead to believe that my son would have a much better life than I could ever hope to offer him and he would be fine. Also, at that time there was already evidence supporting the facts that adoptees had a greater chance of abandonment and identity issues based on the abandonment at birth. I was never told of the scientific facts regarding this and was given the facts instead that my son would be grateful and perfectly happy. There was no way they could have guaranteed his happiness and while he did indeed have fine adoptive parents, he was truly the odd child out and by nature, would have fit in perfectly with his family of birth.
I was also:
Denied my signed legal paperwork until I had to demand it with state licensing regulations 19 years later. At first, they told me I had to pay 50 dollars for legal documents baring my name.
Moved me away from my home and family, which is a tactic used by agencies to promote dependence on the agency and isolation in making a decision
Given a guilt trip about my child languishing in foster care unable to bond with his new family to make me desire to choose to sign the legal paperwork as soon as I was legally able.
Called a "BirthMother" before I was one which is a mental manipulation and also coersive in nature as it convinces a mother to think of herself as something before she has had the true ability, after birth, to make this huge decision.
Overall, Adoptions with Love is like many adoption agencies in this country and used subtle coercion and practices of denying the truth to mothers considering adoption. They act like they are your best friends and care all about you when pregnant, meanwhile their true clients are the adoptive parents that pay their fees.
My life, the life of my son, the life of my subsequent children, my relationships with my family and even my career has all been greatly affected by the loss of my son. It is a wound in which I will never truly be healed from nor will I ever be without the ache. Even after reunion, we cannot recover the lost years and shared memories. Relinquishing my son to adoption was the single most destructive force that I have ever allowed into my life. Adoptions with Love made it feel like a great wonderful adventure, an experience that might last a few months, feeling that would disperse over a year or two. They made relinquishing my child to adoption seem like my path to sainthood and heaven. It was the first step to a personal life long hell.
Adoptions with Love withholds the truth about adoption for profit.
FauxClaud
Kingston, New York
U.S.A.
5 Updates & Rebuttals
Devilsadvocate4education*just My Opinions*
Las Vegas,Nevada,
U.S.A.
Regardless
#6Consumer Comment
Sat, January 17, 2009
While I understand it would be a difficult situation, I can also see how they would view things in an entirely different light. Also, it was ultimately all your own decisions and actions. You were entirely capable of researching these same effects, and clearly as they are an adoption agency they might see themselves as providing valuable service and support. I also think that a 16 year old being pushed by her parents as well, and who knows when that was, might actually be a slightly different situation from a legal adult whom could have even handed over custody to another responsible, adult birth parent (maybe there were some things omitted there).
I can understand later regretting what was entirely your own decision, but to lay all the blame elsewhere is an entirely different thing. As opposed to posting them here, maybe making a website, or doing a school program or something of that nature in order to advise others in the same position would be a little more productive and possibly thereputic.*just my opinions*
Rr_report_user
Glasgow,Kentucky,
U.S.A.
I think it should be considered that maybe the people at "Adoptions With Love" believed they were providing a valuable service
#6Consumer Comment
Fri, January 16, 2009
The research is very interesting. I don't feel the author of this article has presented sufficient evidence that "Adoptions With Love" was indeed aware of this particular research though and purposely chose to hide it. I need more evidence to be convinced of this. It could be that they just didn't know about these research findings at that time.
I can also think that maybe the people at "Adoptions With Love" believed they were providing a valuable service, and *maybe* the things they said & the advice they gave made a lot of sense at that time as they were trying to help a scared, overwhelmed, desperate young woman. The author of the article doesn't state the circumstances of the relationship at all -- why did it end? Was there abuse? Drug addiction? Either? Both?
Regardless, the suffering of the mother pulls many heart strings. It would be wonderful to inform girls in junior high and high school about the consequences and heartache that can come with an unplanned pregnancy and decision to give up the baby.
Rr_report_user
Glasgow,Kentucky,
U.S.A.
I think it should be considered that maybe the people at "Adoptions With Love" believed they were providing a valuable service
#6Consumer Suggestion
Fri, January 16, 2009
The research is very interesting. I don't feel the author of this article has presented sufficient evidence that "Adoptions With Love" was indeed aware of this particular research though and purposely chose to hide it. I need more evidence to be convinced of this. It could be that they just didn't know about these research findings at that time.
I can also think that maybe the people at "Adoptions With Love" believed they were providing a valuable service, and *maybe* the things they said & the advice they gave made a lot of sense at that time as they were trying to help a scared, overwhelmed, desperate young woman. The author of the article doesn't state the circumstances of the relationship at all -- why did it end? Was there abuse? Drug addiction? Either? Both?
Regardless, the suffering of the mother pulls many heart strings. It would be wonderful to inform girls in junior high and high school about the consequences and heartache that can come with an unplanned pregnancy and decision to give up the baby.
Jackie
Vivian,Louisiana,
U.S.A.
Knowledge is power!
#6Consumer Suggestion
Fri, January 16, 2009
FauxClaud...
I totally understand your situation since I was in a similar position. My situation occurred in Louisiana in 1989 when I was 16. My parents, honestly believing adoption was the best thing, pushed me into putting my daughter up for adoption.
I experienced many of the same issues you mentioned regarding the agency and the lies they told me, however, I did tell the agency about the birthfather and they required he sign relinquishment papers.
I also had to live in a "home" away from family and friends and any support group. I was made to feel like I was doing the right thing by giving up my child and was told repeatedly that I was providing the ultimate gift to a "worthy" couple that was unable to have children of their own.
One of the lies that kills me to this day occurred when I was in a counseling (aka: brainwashing) session. I specifically asked what would happen if I changed my mind and decided to keep her. The counselor told me that I couldn't afford to. I asked why not and she said that I would have to pay $100 to the agency for each day I'd already been at the home ($3100 by that time) as well as for all prior and future medical bills. She went on to say that my parents insurance would not cover my medical expenses. I asked about welfare and she said that I would not qualify because my parents' income would be used to determine eligibility and that they made too much money for me to qualify. Several years later, I learned that everything she told me was a lie! I was deliberately made to feel like I had no rights to my own child! I honestly feel like she was stolen from me!
To Joe's response...
Please understand that even if FauxClaud was of legal age, when faced with a crisis pregnancy, even the most mature adult would have a hard time sorting through everything especially when the pregnancy hormones are making you crazy. We do not know all of the circumstances surrounding her situation and she may have made the best decision based on what she was led to believe.
To everyone reading this post
Please go to www.adoption.com and read the forums for birthparents (adoptees and adoptive parents have forums there also). You may be surprised to learn some of the tactics used by agencies to coerce women into giving up their children. You can also see how adoption affects everyone involved. It is a very complex and emotional situation without easy answers. Please learn more about it for yourself before you attempt to judge others who've had to make this terribly difficult decision.
Joe
Austin,Texas,
U.S.A.
WHY didn't you contact the Child's Father in the FIRST place?
#6Consumer Comment
Fri, January 16, 2009
When you got pregnant, you should have contacted the child's father in the first place.
He had SOME responsibility for it and he should have been notified.
Why did you pick THIS particular adoption agency?
You parents should have been a lot more supportive and not actd like reptiles! After all, this IS THEIR FIRST GRANDCHILD! No wonder you got pregnant out of wedlock with parents like these!
AT 19 YOU ARE AN ADULT!
You can make your own decisions at 19 and I would have applied to the AFDC - Aid to Families with Dependent Children administration agencies. The government support systems for a mother and her dependent child is UNBELIEVABLE! They will offer job training, help with nutrition, child care and all sorts of help for you. Social services organizations are much more likely to help mothers with children and expectant mothers a lot more than anyone else and indeeed these ladies get a PREFERENCE.
You should have checked your options a little more thoroughly before just throwing up your hands and going to some Adoption Agency, many of which are of questionable ethics and dump the mother once they have the baby.
You need to reevaluate your parents and try to get free of them. Theysound despicable to me not to help you more.
I am surprised they didn't force you to have an abortion.