Complaint Review: All Star Titty Bar

There were once a man and a woman who had an only child, and
lived quite alone in a solitary valley.  It came to pass that the
mother once went into the wood to gather branches of fir, and
took with her little Hans, who was just two years old.  As it
was spring-time, and the child took pleasure in the many-colored
flowers, she went still further onwards with him into the forest.
Suddenly two robbers sprang out of the thicket, seized the mother
and child, and carried them far away into the black forest, where
no one ever came from one year's end to another.  The poor woman
urgently begged the robbers to set her and her child free, but
their hearts were made of stone, they would not listen to her
prayers and entreaties, and drove her on farther by force.  After
they had worked their way through bushes and briars for about
two miles, they came to a rock where there was a door, at which
the robbers knocked and it opened at once.  They had to go through
a long dark passage, which burnt on the hearth.  On the wall hung
swords, sabres, and other deadly weapons which gleamed in the
light, and in the midst stood a black table at which four other
robbers were sitting gambling, and the captain sat at the head of
it.  As soon as he saw the woman he came and spoke to her, and
told her to be at ease and have no fear, they would do nothing to
hurt her, but she must look after the housekeeping, and if she
kept everything in order, she should not fare ill with them.
Thereupon they gave her something to eat, and showed her a bed
where she might sleep with her child.
The woman stayed many years with the robbers, and Hans grew
tall and strong.  His mother told him stories, and taught him
to read an old book of tales about knights which she found in
the cave.  When Hans was nine years old, he made himself a strong
club out of a branch of fir, hid it behind the bed, and then
went to his mother and said, dear mother, pray tell me who is
my father.  I must and will know.  His mother was silent and
would not tell him, that he might not become home-sick.  Moreover
she knew that the godless robbers would not let him go away, but
it almost broke her heart that Hans should not go to his father.
In the night, when the robbers came home from their robbing
expedition, Hans brought out his club, stood before the captain,
and said, I now wish to know who my father is, and if you do not
tell me at once I will strike you down.  Then the captain laughed,
and gave Hans such a box on the ear that he rolled under the table.
Hans got up again, held his tongue, and thought, I will wait
another year and then try again, perhaps I shall do better then.
When the year was over, he brought out his club again, rubbed the
dust off it, looked at it well, and said,
it is a stout strong club.  At night the robbers came home,
drank one jug of wine after another, and their heads began to be
heavy.  Then Hans brought out his club, placed himself before
the captain, and asked him who his father was.  But the captain
again gave him such a vigorous box on the ear that Hans rolled
under the table.  However, it was not long before he was up again,
and so beat the captain and the robbers with his club, that
they could no longer move either their arms or their legs.
His mother stood in a corner full of admiration for his bravery
and strength.  When Hans had done his work, he went to his mother,
and said, now I have shown myself to be in earnest, but now I
must also know who my father is.  Dear Hans, answered the
mother, come, we will go and seek him until we find him.  She
took from the captain the key to the entrance-door, and Hans
fetched a great meal-sack and packed into it gold and silver, and
whatsoever else he could find that was beautiful, until it was
full, and then he took it on his back.  They left the cave, but
how Hans did open his eyes when he came out of the darkness
into daylight, and saw the green forest, and the flowers, and
the birds, and the morning sun in the sky.  He stood there and
wondered at everything just as if he were not quite right in the
head.  His mother looked for the way home, and when they had
walked for a couple of hours, they got safely into their lonely
valley and to their little house.  The father was sitting in the
doorway.  He wept for joy when he recognized his wife and heard
that Hans was his son, for he had long regarded them both as
dead.  But Hans, although he was not twelve years old, was a
head taller than his father.  They went into the little room
together, but Hans had scarcely put his sack on the bench by
the stove, than the whole house began to crack - the bench broke
down and then the floor, and the heavy sack fell through into
the cellar.  God save us, cried the father, what's that.  Now
you have broken our little house to pieces.  Don't let that turn
your hair grey, dear father, answered Hans.  There, in that sack,
is more than is wanting for a new house.  The father and Hans
at once began to build a new house, to buy cattle and land, and
to keep a farm.  Hans ploughed the fields, and
when he followed the plough and pushed it into the ground, the
bullocks had scarcely any need to draw.
The next spring, Hans said, keep all the money and have made for
me a walking-stick that weighs a hundred-weight, that I may
go a-traveling.  When the stick was ready, he left his father's
house, went forth, and came to a deep, dark forest.  There he
heard something crunching and cracking, looked round, and saw
a fir-tree which was wound round like a rope from the bottom to
the top, and when he looked upwards he saw a great fellow who
had laid hold of the tree and was twisting it like a willow-wand.
Hullo, cried Hans, what are you doing up there.  The fellow
replied, I got some faggots together yesterday and am twisting
a rope for them.  That is what I like, thought Hans, he has some
strength, and he called to him, leave that alone, and come with
me.  The fellow came down, and he was taller by a whole head than
Hans, and Hans was not little.  Your name is now fir-twister,
said Hans to him.  Thereupon they went further and heard something
knocking and hammering with such force that the ground shook
at every stroke.  Shortly afterwards they came to a mighty rock,
before which a giant was standing and striking great pieces of
it away with his fist.  When Hans asked what he was doing, he
answered, at night, when I want to sleep, bears, wolves, and
other vermin of that kind come, which sniff and snuffle about
me and won't let me rest, so I want to build myself a house and
lay myself inside it, so that I may have some peace.  Oh indeed,
thought Hans, I can make use of this one also, and said to him,
leave your house-building alone, and go with me.  You shall be
called rock-splitter.  The man consented, and they all three
roamed through the forest, and wherever they went the wild beasts
were terrified, and ran away from them.  In the evening they
came to an old deserted castle, went up into it, and
laid themselves down in the hall to sleep.  The next morning Hans
went into the garden.  It had run quite wild, and was full of
thorns and brambles.  And as he was thus walking round about,
a wild boar rushed at him, he, however, gave it such a blow
with his club that it fell directly.  He took it on his shoulders
and carried it
in, and they put it on a spit, roasted it, and enjoyed themselves.
Then they arranged that each day, in turn, two should go out
hunting, and one should stay at home, and cook nine pounds
of meat for each of them.  Fir-twister stayed at home the first,
and Hans and rock-splitter went out hunting.  When fir-twister
was busy cooking, a little shrivelled-up old mannikin came to him
in the castle, and asked for some meat.  Be off, you sneaking
imp, he answered, you need no meat.  But how astonished fir-twister
was when the little insignificant dwarf sprang up at him, and
belabored him so with his fists that he could not defend himself,
but fell on the ground and gasped for breath.  The dwarf did
not go away until he had thoroughly vented his anger on him.
When the two others came home from hunting, fir-twister said
nothing to them of the old mannikin and of the blows which he
himself had received, and thought, when they stay at home, they
may just try their  chance with the little scrubbing-brush, and
the mere thought of that gave him pleasure already.
The next day rock-splitter stayed at home, and he fared just
as fir-twister had done, being very ill-treated by the dwarf
because he was not willing to give him any meat.  When the others
came home in the evening, fir-twister saw clearly what he had
suffered, but both kept silence, and thought, Hans also
must taste some of that soup.
Hans, who had to stay at home the next day, did his work in
the kitchen as it had to be done, and as he was standing
skimming the pan, the dwarf came and without more ado
demanded a piece of meat.  Then Hans thought, he is a poor
wretch, I will give him some of my share, that the others may
not run short, and handed him a bit.  When the dwarf had
devoured it, he again asked for some meat, and good-natured
Hans gave it to him, and told him it was a handsome piece,
and that he was to be content with it.  But the dwarf begged
again for the third time.  You are shameless, said Hans, and gave
him none.  Then the malicious dwarf wanted to spring on him and
treat him as he had treated fir-twister and rock-splitter, but
he had chosen the wrong man.  Hans, without
exerting himself much, gave him a couple of blows which made
him jump down the castle steps.  Hans was about to run after him,
but fell right over, flat on his face.  When he rose up again,
the dwarf had got the start of him.  Hans hurried after him as far
as the forest, and saw him slip into a hole in the rock.  Hans now
went home, but he had marked the spot.  When the two others
came back, they were surprised that Hans was so well.  He told
them what had happened, and then they no longer concealed how
it had fared with them.  Hans laughed and said, it served you
quite right.  Why were you so mean with your meat.  It is a
disgrace that you who are so big should have let yourselves be
beaten by the dwarf.  Thereupon they took a basket and a rope,
and all three went to the hole in the rock into which the
dwarf had slipped, and let Hans and his club
down in the basket.  When Hans had reached the bottom, he found
a door, and when he opened it a maiden was sitting there
who was lovely as any picture, nay, so beautiful that no words
can express it, and by her side sat the dwarf and grinned at
Hans like a sea-cat.  She, however, was bound with chains, and
looked so mournfully at him that Hans felt great pity for her,
and thought to himself, you must deliver her out of the power of
the wicked dwarf, and gave him such a blow with his club that he
fell down dead.  Immediately the chains fell from
the maiden, and Hans was enraptured with her beauty.  She told
him she was a king's daughter whom a savage count had stolen
away from her home, and imprisoned there among the rocks,
because she would have nothing to say to him.  The count, however,
had set the dwarf as a watchman, and he had made her suffer
misery and vexation enough.  And now Hans placed the maiden in the
basket and had her drawn up.  The basket came down again, but
Hans did not trust his two companions, and thought, they have
already shown themselves to be false, and told me nothing about
the dwarf.  Who knows what design they may have against me.  So
he put his club in the basket, and it was lucky he did, for when
the basket was half-way up, they let it fall again, and if Hans
had really been sitting in it he would have been killed.  But
now he did not know how he was to work his way out of the depths,
and when he turned it over and over in his mind he found no
counsel.  It is indeed sad, said he to himself, that I have to
waste away down here, and as he was thus walking backwards and
forwards, he once more came to the little chamber where the maiden
had been sitting, and saw that the dwarf had a ring on his finger
which shone and sparkled.  Then he drew it off and put it on, and
when he turned it round on his finger, he suddenly heard something
rustle over his head.  He looked up and saw spirits of the air
hovering above, who told him he was their master, and asked
what his desire might be.  Hans was at first struck dumb, but
afterwards he said that they were to carry him up again.  They
obeyed instantly, and it was just as if he had flown up himself.
But when he had arrived there, he found no one in sight.
Fir-twister and rock-splitter
had hurried away, and had taken the beautiful maiden with them.
But Hans turned the ring, and the spirits of the air came and
told him that the two were on the sea.  Hans ran and ran without
stopping, until he came to the sea-shore, and there far, far out
on the water, he perceived a little boat in which his faithless
comrades were sitting, and in fierce anger he leapt, without
thinking what he was doing, club in hand into the water, and
began to swim, but the club, which weighed a hundredweight,
dragged him deep down until he was all but drowned.  Then
in the very nick of time he turned his ring, and immediately
the spirits of the air came and bore him as swift as lightning into
the boat.  He swung his club and gave his wicked comrades the
reward they merited and threw them into the water, and then he
sailed with the beautiful maiden, who had been in the greatest
alarm, and whom he delivered for the second time, home to her
father and mother, and married her, and all rejoiced exceedingly.