Complaint Review: Staples

I purchased an HP printer from the store, and after about a year and a half, I decided I didn't like it anymore and wanted to bring it back. I went to the store and attempted to return the printer, and the manager told me it was too long after the purchase. I told him I always spent all kinds of money on all of his pens, erasers, dog food, paper, fish, etc. He had the AUDACITY to tell me I couldn't have done such a thing because the store didn't sell paper anymore. I asked him if he was calling me a liar and he said yes, and I said "Oh yeah?", and he said "Yeah", and I said "Oh YEAH?", and he said "YEAH", so I challenged him to a winner take all arm wrestling match. He said he wasn't about to make a fool of himself and that I should leave the store. I went down each aisle and told every customer I encountered how I was treated and not to do any business with the store because it was all a sham when they said they cared about the customer. The store manager became aware of what I was doing, and ordered his guard dogs to attack me. I fought them off with my bowstaff, but one of his ninja associates threw a star at me, slicing open my forearm. I said "Ooooowww that REALLY hurt!", and before I knew what was happening, he sprayed me with noxious gas, paralyzing me. I awoke several hours later in a jail cell somewhere underneath the store where I was water boarded and forced to watch reruns of Three's Company. I managed to coerce the guard by offering sexual favors, and upon escaping, sirens went off and a trap door was released, sending me into the bowels of the store's warehouse, where I have lived for the past three years. Please, anyone reading this, save me. They have an associate who bears a striking resemblance to Joseph Fritzel, and I have reason to believe it's a robot clone of the criminal himself. Please, someone save me.

Thehamburglar
Spring Hill, Florida
U.S.A.